This Explains A Lot

make it up as we go along

2011-03-16T20:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes, you just can't say it better

Home is where I want to be Pick me up and turn me round I feel numb - born with a weak heart So I guess I must be having fun The less we say about it the better Make it up as we go along Feet on the ground Head in the sky It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing
Home - is where I want to be But I guess I'm already there. I come home she lifted up her wings Guess that this must be the place I can't tell one from another Did I find you, or you find me? Out of all those kinds of people You got a face with a view. I'm just an animal looking for a home Share the same space for a minute or two

thanks, david byrne. along with tupelo honey and half the zeppelin catalog, "shuffle all" will always smile on you.

for jean

2011-03-07T00:44:00.000-08:00

there's glimpses of the perfect life that come at the oddest times. perfect, or actual life, the way maybe it's supposed to be lived. pockets of complete serenity that pounce on you when a subjectively perfect song, momentary scent or barely recognizable memory pass you by when you're sitting in traffic on a gnarled and depressing freeway in hayward, california. i don't mean perfect like the way i maybe imagined before. two and a half offspring, good salary, well-trained dog that admires me unconditionally and has a hilarious name, dynamite vacations that help to partially cancel out swedish pastiness. all elements of a life well-lived. all elements that i'm discovering can be exponentially enhanced by something far more intangible and evanescent. it's something that i'm only realizing as i move closer to 30 years of actual life. granted, i don't have 2.5 kids, but what the fuck is half a kid anyway? in fact, what the fuck is just about anything if you're not living life on your own terms? i'm slowly confronting that passivity and acceptance is the arch-nemesis of just about everything i want in life. maybe this is the natural learning curve for most folks, but if it is, maybe it's been hitting me at a sharper angle lately.

the moment reaches in and grabs you back to when anxiety in itself was as unfamiliar as the precipice you know you have to step out onto to even approach that place again as an adult. all you know is that scent, that song or memory is the sweetest, purest thing you can recall and you're more convinced than anything that it can be realized again. not just in your mind on some god-forsaken five-lane in the east bay, but time and again. if you'd just act on it.

2010-12-06T20:58:00.000-08:00

North Korea

2010-06-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

I knew Kim Jong Il was nuts, but this is one interesting documentary. Fascinating, depressing and unsettling.

Tea Party Jesus

2010-06-30T14:27:00.000-07:00

Putting the words of select brilliant conservatives in the mouth of Jesus. Because it's funny, that's why.

- Sen John Cornyn

- Rush Limbaugh

-GOP Candidate Glen Urquhart

-Sen Rick Santorum

Living in the Fast Lane

2010-06-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

Literally. My apartment would likely be where the fast lane of the North Beach freeway would have been if the starry-eyed, crack-smoking developers had their way post-WWII. Yes, that's an 8-lane tunnel right through the poop chute of Russian Hill.

The danger and grace of training for a half-marathon

2010-06-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

I like to think I jog at a pretty good clip - enough to slow down when I come to a blind corner on the sidewalk and avoid barreling over some poor old Chinese woman. I usually don't, however, run at about 20 mph with several tons of steal hanging around me on suspenders like a clown outfit. If I did, I'd probably take it a little easy rolling down blind alleyways, too. To each his own, I guess.
As I jogged up to the end of such a blind alleyway today, several tons of metal came rolling out at about 20 mph. What happened next, I'll always regret was not filmed. As the sound of rubber screeching on pavement shot down the alley, I subconsciously did a hand-plant-on-hood to ass-slide-across-hood combo and nailed the dismount about a foot in front of the license plate. It felt so fluid and choreographed, except for the mangled alternate universe me that was laid out in the street. I realized the usual reaction to something like this might be to yell at the driver or panic about what could have been. Somewhere between seeing the driver's horror through the windshield, though, and being incredibly impressed with myself, I jogged on. I should get a special medal or something on my race bib.

Get high now

2010-06-24T16:29:00.000-07:00

Fun time-wasting site. My favorite is the Vomit Vectors - I actually felt queasy:

"What taxes? Just pay me! ;)" - Sincerely, our elected officials

2010-06-21T20:46:00.000-07:00

Sonuva

But are you super DUPER sorry?!

2010-06-17T09:55:00.000-07:00

Another smug, bulletproof CEO, another "grilling" from a panel of turkey-jowled, ill-dictioned politicians. Boy were they angry. They had just had it up to here (their jowls practically resting on it) and were not about to let this gilded meanie and his bully British accent get away without really dressing him down.

The mood was as palpably tense as one would expect for a grilling. Or maybe it was a flogging. Politico said it was a flogging. Though CNN referred to it as a "blasting". I would've expected more excitement for a blasting - maybe a soundtrack for the proceedings and costumes for the pitchfork-carrying panel. I'll stick with the turkey theme and call it a grilling.

These guys were pissed, and they brought their printed grilling questions and stapled them together on standardized office stationary to prove it.

One of them whetted his finger to lift the cover page - here we go! Get ready to be flog-blasted on the grill for all of your untold damages, CEO!

"When you became CEO you said you would have a laser target on safety," his jowl jiggling righteously in the still panel air. "Were you... you were... did you know about this... problem?"

"There was a team that oversaw this drilling and we will be making continued changes with any findings that we conclude," came the equally-scripted answer.

"You.." (fumbling of office stationary, rehearsed line of questioning shattered). "you don't seem like you're regretful of this. Are you?"

"I am truly, deeply regretful of this, of course."

"Are you really, though? It sure doesn't seem that way."

"Absolutely I am."

A wry, skeptical smirk on the panelist's face. Mission accomplished. He would be questioned about his regret's sincerity by several more panelists, as well as additional "laser" references and vague attempts at sounding like they know a single thing about the technical aspects of what they're talking about. Maybe next time don't mess with America, bitch.

Authorities issue warning for major earthquake in September

2010-06-09T18:40:00.000-07:00

Full marathons are for wimps. Halves are where it's at.

2010-06-08T12:18:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm probably still grossly underestimating the challenge of running 13.1 miles through hills and over a gusty, golden landmark, but here goes. If you can, please visit my personal race page and consider a small donation to the American Cancer Society. Thanks!

Land of the dong-waving, doll-hating lost

2010-05-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

Turns out the formerly-exiled king of Belgium and I probably would've made good drinking buddies. No surprise there, but I didn't realize it until coming across a story about a bizarre island in the Bengal Sea: on a tour of the Andaman Islands east of India in the 70s, his ship pulled near the notoriously-mysterious island of North Sentinal. They pulled close enough to coax the aggressively-isolationist natives out of the jungle to raise their bows and arrows, but just out of their range. I assume the king chuckled, maybe gave a few high fives and sailed off, "most satisfied with this adventure".

Thirty-five years later, one could have the same experience the kind did in the 70s or, if you like, the same experience of the first "outsiders" to reach the island in 1867, who were promptly killed for being there.

By all accounts, the inhabitants of this tiny island (estimated at 50-400 people) live just as they did in the times of the earliest explorers and the first nomads. They use primitive weapons, think clothes are for suckers, and apparently haven't figured out how to make fire, relying on lightning strikes. They intend to keep every modern asshole, well-intentioned or not, the hell off their island, too. Aside from the poor shipwrecked crew in 1867, they slit the throat of an escaped convict who managed to swim to the shore a couple decades later. People apparently learned their lesson until the 1970s, when a couple of smartass anthropologists and National Geographic photographers thought they knew the trick: "gesture peacefully" and give them a toy doll. The natives replied with a barrage of arrows, hitting a photographer in the leg, all the while laughing and waving their dongs on the beach, burying the doll in the sand. Lastly, there was the Primrose freighter which ran aground near the island in 1981. The captain watched as the natives wandered out on the beach, then began trying to hit the ship with arrows. Just out of reach, he then watched in horror as they began trying to build boats to come out to kill them. The captain issued a panicked call for help, eventually being rescued by helicopter which the natives, of course, shot at.

There's something very cool that in 2010, there's still virtually untouched tribes like this in remote corners of the world. It's even cooler that they're pissed off at every single one of us.

2010-05-25T09:15:00.001-07:00

We created a machine, flew it to Mars, commanded it to dig some trenches, snapped a picture and sent it back to earth. There was a time when we'd all be burned at the stake for this kind of insolence and ingenuity.

2010-05-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

California's Pipe Dream

2010-05-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Borrowed a few National Geographics from the local bibliotheque for reading material on the plane; I've found a new personal goldmine. I love the shots in the mag and normally there's an intriguing story or two, but there's no way I'm subscribing - I'm stingy these days. I found the local library's stash and cashed in.
An issue from the end of 09 about the state of the world's ever-growing population's dependence on an ever-stretched and evolving water supply was entirely fascinating and alarming. Amid all of the cool charts on how the world's cities acquire their water, how costly it is, and how that supply is running thin, was a story about California's intricate and imbalanced water system that has become almost exponentially perilous as the state's population swells and structures age.
Discovery Bay, just east of here. What a fun-filled water paradise - in the middle of a freaking desert. Pretty much a microcosm of entire Southern California.

The story touches on the dyslexic water system of the state, where the vast majority of water falls in the north but of course the vast majority of people live in the south. This in itself wouldn't be an issue, except for the shady water history behind LA's original growth, the fact that much of the state depends on now-crumbling structures built by 19th century Chinese laborers, and the southern areas' continued rapid growth despite an incredibly obvious but unaware lack of water. Desalinization offers a very pricey partial solution for an ass-broke government, but not much.

Also of note in the issue: that giant, enormous Three Gorges dam China is building? It is expected to be so heavy so as to move the earth's tilt by about an inch. Dam! Also, also of note in the issue: the farms that feed the country and big cities of the heartland like Denver? They depend heavily on a giant underground aquifer under the continent that is being drained much faster than it can be naturally replenished. What will happen when one of the country's main food baskets runs out of water? Mmm soylent green.
Thanks, China.

Thanks, heartland.

I govern pretty one day

2010-05-10T21:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I swear I think my computer can hear my loud, sarcastic chiding and actually see my slow, exasperated head shake.
I mean, really. Really? In some ways, this is what it is. I tried to take a break from certain headlines recently because it only made me bitter, but there's just too many levels of juicy, tantalizing moron going on here. And to be real, I'm generally bitter, so what's there to lose?
Usually, there's an awkward but expected pause for response on current events while Sarah's directed what position to take. This one, though, was just another equivalent of letting your toddler drive the nation's history around an empty parking lot, crashing into a few shopping carts here, a few gosh darn facts there. What's the harm? By the time time you wrestle the steering wheel back, your sedan resembles the Pope-mobile, your toddler is staring at you with pursed lips and a taxidermy-like bliss, and Jesus and John Adams are tied up in the back with cloth balls stuffed in their mouths wearing Uncle Sam costumes.

Getting Full Use of Our Tam On

2010-04-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

The lady and I decided to kick the city to the curb for a day to soak in some solidly sunny spring weather, hike what is considered to be one of the best trails in the Bay Area and climb 2,000 feet - so that we could gaze right back at the city we bailed on. Not our fault; the view from the top of Mt Tam is unmatched on a clear day. Full view of most of the bay, Mt Diablo, the Golden Gate, the ocean, and if not for a little haze, the Farallons and Sierras.

Manzanita bushes everywhere. I had no idea how smooth these babies are. I found myself stopping on the side of the trail to just stroke them for a few seconds, and yes, I realize how peculiar that must've looked.

We've got spirit.

I'd read online that there was wreckage from a plane that crashed into the hillside after mechanical failure on its way to Guam in WWII (kind of a bizarre story - boy scouts found the "scattered bodies" the next morning and the air force vaguely acknowledged it). It's definitely off the beaten path and unpublished, but we eventually found the twisted metal, wiring and even cloth from the crash a good 65 years later. Eight men died instantly here, which left its surreal impression even in the middle of the afternoon.

refund be damned

2010-04-15T11:06:00.000-07:00

"Citizens for Tax Justice, a self-described non-partisan organization, released a report on Tuesday that read: "The 2009 economic stimulus bill actually reduced federal income taxes for tax year 2009 for 98 percent of all working families and individuals." This total includes the 95 percent of working families that will or have received tax credits in the range of $400 to $800.

The health care bill passed by the administration, meanwhile, includes a tax credit that could cover up to 35 percent of the premiums a small business pays to insure its workers. The Recovery Act, meanwhile, included such tax breaks as a $1,500 credit for home energy improvements, and an $8,000 credit for first-time home buyers.

It has been a buffet of tax breaks and credits offered by this administration (occasionally to the chagrin of progressive economists, who want more focus on stimulative federal spending).

Yet polling numbers indicate that Americans are barely aware of these developments. Indeed, a good chunk of the country believes it has been saddled by this administration with tax hikes. Back in mid-February, a full 24 percent of respondents to a CBS News/New York Times poll said that their taxes had increased under Obama. Fifty-three percent said they had stayed the same. Only 12 percent thought their taxes had gone down.

"Belief is triumphing over reality," explained Bob McIntyre, director of Citizens for Tax Justice. "Part of it is they watch the wrong television shows and believe it. Part of it is the tax cut that went to almost everybody, the making work pay credit, was dribbled out... people didn't get a check. They paid lower taxes and might not have noticed it.

"It is like arguing whether Jesus rose from the dead," McIntyre concluded. "If you believe it, you believe it." "

2010-04-10T23:19:00.001-07:00

2010-04-09T23:44:00.000-07:00

2010-04-08T14:04:00.000-07:00

Tennis Ball Walkers and Rhythm Nation

2010-04-06T21:17:00.000-07:00

A good chortle to one's self does wonders to put things into perspective. Similarly, living on the fringes of chinatown does wonders to provide chortles to one's self. There's the utter distrust of idling vehicles by the inhabitants, the belief that gradually stopping adjacent to a delivery truck with its hazards on to wait for... (?) and blocking traffic in both directions has absolutely no bearing on anyone beyond a circa 1998 minivan's radius. There's the emotionless old woman in her janet jackson rythm nation sports cap, god bless her, who eases out of an obscure door next to our go-to pizza place as sure as the sun rises, preceded by her walker with tennis ball nubs and accompanying daughter, whose fluorescent orange hat seems to have warped from the set of North Shore. They amble off around the block for a good hour's shuffle.
Today it was a senior Chinese woman who snuck out between a couple of parked cars, seemingly oblivious to my idling car just feet away. Her general wardrobe was nothing out of the ordinary: some new curtain-vest line on sale at the x-ray lead apron boutique. But she was stopping traffic over these babies:
and she was rocking them like she owned that shit.

Vague encounters of the likely perfectly explainable kind

2010-04-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think it's not a coincidence that I'm always alone when these sorts of things happen. I'd also like to think that the Mayans didn't base their John Cusack blockbuster scenario on some funky Chinese calendar with math that computes to the lunar calendar year 2012 actually starting two months ago OMFG and when some drunk British guy on the sidewalk yells "we're being invaded!", the San Andreas Fault doesn't tear into a spectacular bottomless pit and aliens the likes of Babyfart Mcgeezax begin firing death rays upon us.

Some drunk Brit did yell "we're being invaded!" a couple of nights ago, but he stumbled off laughing with his fellow red coats and I was left standing there with a drunk homeless couple who had sauntered out of their storefront hotel for the night, the three of us staring up in the sky. I promptly pulled my video camera phone out and aimed it towards the four silent, independent, orange globes flying in formation over downtown. Only seemingly about three times the height of the tallest office building, they flew about the speed of a two-seater but without the typical flashing lights. Three of the four disappeared about the time they reached the water, and as the fourth flew off past the city line, I pressed the button to stop recording, and it began to record. Of course. By this time, a couple dozen passersby had gathered but no one dared overreact, so we all went on our way.

I've shared this experience a couple of times since, and I imagine the response I've received must be similar to when someone tells an acquaintance that their 5 year old has been murdering squirrels with sticks in the backyard "and isn't that the darndest thing?!"

I'm sure it was nothing. Maybe four weather balloons all got tangled in a cross breeze, creating friction that generated electricity and attracted a phantom lightning bolt, igniting each balloon in a hellacious blaze before gracefully coasting over downtown. That's probably what it was.

friday space nerd dump

2010-03-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

mars was the closest to earth last night that it will be until 2012. 2012! OMS! i would've given many things to have had a powerful telescope and be up on my roof staring at the red planet with some chex party mix and a glass of scotch for an hour. alas, all i have at the time is a pair of binoculars with a dead fly in one lens and a pretty vivid imagination. you know, they now think mars used to be a "second earth" at one time? ah well, another post.
living in a city with a lot of lights in a winter with a lot of clouds, it's pretty easy to forget what's up there every night. on a dark hill down in santa cruz the other night, it stopped me in my tracks as i walked to the car. it's been a good while since the sight was so bright and spectral that it was distracting. i got all hypothetically weepy and adamant again about finding a telescope to get a bit closer to all of it - and make me look particularly interesting and intelligent when it's parked in my living room. the dirty binoculars just make me look like a run-of-the-mill pervert.
then there was an article today revisiting barry's decision to not include funding for a manned return to the moon by the US in the budget. while i think there will always be tremendous value in funding particular efforts of NASA, i still feel it's pretty much common sense that we have more pressing needs with our tax dollars than to fund a trip back to the moon.
still, while it's a speculative quote from one man - albeit an astronaut - there remains sizable intrigue and prospects up there:

"Extracting helium-3 from the Moon and returning it to Earth would, of course, be difficult, but the potential rewards would be staggering for those who embarked upon this venture. Helium-3 could help free the United States -- and the world -- from dependence on fossil fuels," Schmitt writes.

For a very good time, click on the image to the right, size it all the way up and scroll down.

Your Eagle is Due Back Now, Please

2010-03-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

According to our records, you checked the bald eagle out of the national library of symbols for use in your... let's see what he have here... oh right, "campaign to stop the America-hating, nobama hussein-loving socialists from taking over my body". According to the ticker, these very America-haters have indeed succeeded in taking over your body and will do god knows what with it. In the meantime, we will need you to return the eagle. We also have you down as having checked out "image of American flag fiercely fluttering in the wind", also due back.

We thank you for using the national library, proudly loaning these symbols out to the worked up, misinformed masses for the past 14 years. Frankly, bravo on the execution of weaving these two images into countless vehement, albeit contradictory and endearingly ignorant posters, pickets and trucker hats. While we're on endearingly ignorant, someone here believes they saw you smuggle out a "colonial patriot, adult XXL" costume, complete with tri-corner hat - also due back. The "I (heart) Teabaggers" bumper sticker is not ours and is yours to keep.

We've had a hell of a time tracking you down, seeing as how you signed for these items under a "Joe R. McCarthy", who we've found has been deceased for over 50 years. After doing some cross-checking, we also can't seem to find our painfully witty image of President Obama with a Stalin mustache - a fold-up poster included in the book Socialism for Dummies, and Why You're Already Embracing it in Your Everyday American Lives, 5th ed.

One more thing: as you are well aware, we here have quite a pleasant working relationship with God. He called and asked that when we reach you, we relay that he's considering filing a cease and desist on using his brand. Apparently you've been grossly misinterpreting his son? Just don't mention him at all, I think is what he was getting at, since he actually voted for the evil body snatchers. I know, crazy huh?

Anyway, we see here that you've already requested to check these items out again for a... "Keep your Stalin Hands off my Tax Dollars and the Financial CEOs Spending Them" campaign? I'll go ahead and get our creative department started on an Obama/Mr Monopoly caricature.

sweeeeet

2010-03-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

mapping democracy

2010-03-18T10:00:00.000-07:00

or that's the jist, i guess. still a pretty interesting idea, even if/when it fails miserably

an about-face... book

2010-03-12T10:43:00.001-08:00

i hate facebook. i know, i know - just shut up. i know i'm on it. signing up was sort of like going streaking through downtown at 3pm on a Tuesday - it seemed like a good enough idea after a few drinks, but then you realize that you're standing on the corner of 3rd and market with your tommy johnsons right there for the world to see. what are you supposed to do, break down crying and fumble around for a few sf weeklies to drape around your trembling body, sloppily explaining to passersby through tears and spittle that you're not supposed to be there? no, you stand there like it's perfectly normal until people forget that you're there at all - which is exactly what i did. i pretended like i was not standing on the corner of "friend me st" and "i forgot that i knew you even for a moment in my life blvd".

six degrees of separation being forced and crammed down to one or two has its occasional benefits though, apparently. the father-in-law of jean's cousin has been missing in portland since sunday. having met the man only once, i know him really only through hanging out with his son several times and that's been enough to know he's a really remarkable man. it remains to be seen if and when he will be located, but there is currently an army of thousands in the northwest aware of his disappearance, due in large part to the viral spread on fb. the group established to raise awareness swelled to well over 400 people within a day and that kind of movement would have been incredibly difficult otherwise.

in the end, the family will know the effort to find their dad has been shared by many, many people.

Greatest show (and collective naiveness) on earth!

2010-03-12T09:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the natural order of things makes a point better than any words could

already bought my ticket

2010-03-06T22:33:00.000-08:00

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever -- powered by Cracked.com

answer: the poor man's hasselhoff

2010-02-23T19:19:00.000-08:00

who is alex trebek?
i could stop at this picture alone. does anyone know why he ever posed topless, or why he looks like he knows a very perverted secret? i don't, and that's points right off the bat.
others would say his allure was shaved away with his "what is a mustache?" no, trebek's real genius lies in his unique ability to be a complete and utter asshole on national tv and be garnered with adoration for it. nightly, he treats jeopardy's contestants like tipsy sorority girls that wandered into the national spelling bee. he doesn't simply note incorrect answers, he takes explicit time to demoralize the contestant and most likely throw in a jab ("no. we were looking for giorgio abetti. not johannes kepler. johannes kepler would be 16th century. we're looking for nineteenth century astronomers...?") the inflection of a question at the end of his jab should not be underestimated; it is the quintessential prick move. he then leaves a second or two for the effect to settle in - the effect of some pat sayjack who supposedly knows every fact about everything and if you don't, well, what the fuck are you doing on my game show? also, don't even think about not making it a true daily double... "$500 only, huh? $1,200 would put you in the lead, but $500 it is..."

also: what?

life for the living

2010-02-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

i've walked across that exact square of sidewalk countless times. now he was 3 floors up, staring down at that square in the open afternoon air.

i'd always move past the excited tourists in their neon "san francisco, ca" t-shirts, queued around the cable-car turnaround like a giant human question mark. thinking to myself why they didn't bother walking up a couple of blocks to the next stop and save 45 minutes of waiting. now they were all turned towards him on the ledge only in turquoise underwear. young and old couples, friends, families. one could hear the crowds' pleading from there - the urging, even laughing, but he doesnt.

i'd walk quickly past the diseased and deformed pigeons and panhandlers. he shuffles toward the edge, then back. leaning forward then back again.

my thoughts would be on that afternoon's worthless team meetings and client visits, maybe weekend plans. his thoughts are too much for him.

they have been for some time. i'd sit in ridiculous department morale meetings and so would he - maybe right in front of me. i always paid more attention to the dandruff peppering the shoulders of the person seated in front of me than what was actually happening in the meeting. i would've noticed that i would be paying attention that day. he always dressed sharply, so im told. we both took the same elevator and probably crossed paths by the copier or the coffee counter many times.

many of us heard a folklore tale and laughed it off as an easy blockbuster target. he heard the same tale and took it deeply to heart and mind. he quit to make the most of his remaining time.

i'd make it down the one block back to work and head to my team meeting to discuss how much ad space costs now. one could hear the sirens closing in from there, but i doubt he can. probably doesn't notice the city employee hurrying in through the entrance only about two dozen feet down.

my life went on like any other day - with plans, errands to do, optimism, a girlfriend, friends to see, nephews to eventually talk life and women with, supposed to rain this weekend, the giants should have a chance this year, all that.

he hears the employee reach the top floor just in time to discover the door is locked. and he steps off.

a friend of mine saw the scene and reiterated the adage that "life is for the living". sometimes i'd probly think that sounds a touch callous, but it served for a dose of optimistic reality. for a few reasons i think this has sort of haunted me from half a city away for a couple of days. i knew him hardly enough to be considered acquaintances but it's a ghostly, almost tangible eeriness.

tubular

2010-02-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

also, "out of this world!" nerdiness knows no bounds, especially when it comes to space. this is one reason why i might as well have taken a small hit of prozac when these images were released from nasa's new infrared telescope. they're of our nearest galaxy (1.5 million light years away) and nearest galaxy cluster - 60 million light years away. i mean, come on - that's f'ing amazing.

by request only

2010-02-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

all-time album art

peekaboo research

2010-02-11T10:22:00.000-08:00

fox says it's cold, tells gore to suck it

Most. Obvious. Metaphor. Ever.

2010-02-11T09:52:00.000-08:00

In the off-chance that we weren't really grasping the almost comically flagrant whoring of the US government and our tax dollars by elected officials to private companies since the start of the iraq war... comes this report from the NYT providing a literal analogy for us.

The new economic hitmen, so to speak

too easy

2010-02-09T10:00:00.000-08:00

the human mind

2010-02-08T23:25:00.000-08:00

watched a pbs special on human emotions tonight. it really is very interesting and disconcerting how our very own brains can be so empowering or detrimental to our lives. whether we choose to listen to our doubts or don't make a concerted effort to overcome our own subconscious, we can really screw ourselves over. here's a couple of the more interesting points that stood out:

anger: the frontal lobe, where reason comes from, is a "new" part of the brain - developed much longer after the primitive emotions. for some reason, emotions are quickly and easily sent directly to the frontal lobe, but it is much more complicated and difficult for the lobe to send "reason" messages back to shut off or override the emotion. this gives me good medical grounding for why i feel full of rage when watching the new chase credit card ski lift commercial and the customer service "massage dare" only to realize minutes later that i just hate horrible marketing ideas.

depression: strong physical evidence continues to emerge that in addition to its emotional effects, depression has significant physical corollaries/causes/effects. in addition to a spike in "stress molecules" found in the saliva of those with depression, they have found that depressed individuals tend to have a significantly smaller hypothalamus than healthy people and that it can continue to shrink if untreated. the hypothalamus contributes to stress sensory and reaction and is usually about the size of an almond (which is really kind of a sick description i think. can't they compare it to a non-edible? maybe something not brown and wrinkly with a milkish taste? sick). most recently, they have found a couple of treatments that can not only treat the shrinkage (not that kind), but reverse it and grow new neurons: anti-depressants and shock therapy. yea, like randle mcmurphie in cuckoo's nest.

takes one to know one

2010-02-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

wait, that's not right

The difference between Sarah Palin's reaction to Rahm Emanuel's ill-advised use of the word "retarded" (directed at liberals), and Rush Limbaugh's use of the word (directed at advocates for the mentally handicapped) speaks volumes. When it was reported that Emanuel used the word in a private meeting -- one time -- Palin quickly took to Facebook and, mentioning Emanuel by name, called on President Obama to fire him. When Limbaugh repeatedly used the term on his radio show, Palin did nothing. Then, after being goaded by commentators, she had her spokesperson offer a generic criticism of "demeaning name calling," never mentioning Limbaugh by name -- and even had her spokesperson phone Rush to assure him she hadn't used his name. Then, in an interview with Fox that aired this morning, Palin defended Limbaugh's use of "retards" as "satire." Which it wasn't -- unless I'm missing the humor in calling a meeting of advocates for the mentally handicapped "a retard summit."

couldn't this all be resolved if more people accepted use of the term "artarted"?

FML

2010-02-06T23:14:00.001-08:00

a wolfe in sheeps loafers

2010-02-05T09:38:00.000-08:00

this campaign video is so amazing, it doesn't even know it

charlie brown in training

2010-02-04T15:15:00.000-08:00

whatever happened to predicatability

2010-02-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

the milkman, the paperboy and evening tv aa-ah, aa-ahhhhh

one night walking

2010-02-03T22:38:00.000-08:00

walking out on to the sidewalk felt like being reborn from a birth canal of moldy coasters and painfully mundane smalltalk.

"yea, bud light lime. you know, bud's making a hef now these days. well, it's a wheat bear anyways." PUSSSHHH!

and there i was, right back outside. in a placenta of cold, refreshing winter bay air. it can get a little old come july, but damn it feels nice. i looked around deciding which direction to hike back up the hill towards home. regardless of circumstances, no one enjoys walking uphill. i didnt really have a choice, so i began trudging up the first block and thinking about how much i hate carrying small talk and how much bud light lime tastes like cheap expired laundry powder detergent.

a younger couple was stumbling down the sidewalk, the guy regretfully holding his unfamiliar date up while staring vacantly up at the trees. "i tend to find humor in thingssss........," she slurred. his expression seemed to read, "i wonder if she'll leave in the morning." if only he could've read mine: "doubt it."

i once overheard part of a conversation on a sidewalk downtown: "... and then they locked me in a cage with a tiger!..." i thought i'd learned to eavesdrop a bit more effectively since then, but there aren't enough people on the sidewalks in this neighborhood to be conspicuous enough to find out exactly what things this obviously profound girl found humor in. i trudged on.

up the top of the hill, past my former dry cleaner. she'd always demanded that i sign for my pick ups even though she recognized me. her untrusting chinese gaze, her rotund little index finger and the way she'd flop it down onto the "name" line like an overcooked weenie that escaped a backyard 4th of july barbecue but still demanded a signature for picking up two work shirts. that's not even why she's a "former" dry cleaner. she seemed to find sadistic pleasure in ironing over collar-stays and apparently operated a dress shirt button black market racket downstairs.

it's incredible how quiet this block can be at 10pm while the bars are packed 100 yards away. the breakfast joint with the always pretentious line of hipsters waiting an hour for a ho-hum meal. the empty park. the feeling of being alone while in the midst of thousands. good time of day to take in the city.

up the last block in a good pace. two overweight italians sauntering by, "and there was piss all over my carpet..." again, the unlearned eavesdropping lesson. around the last corner past the painful garage bands performing tired covers, past the desperate girls with a few unfortunate hours still ahead of them, and past the homeless man urinating 10 feet from the stoop he's slept in for the last 3 months.

i dig my neighborhood

death cult dwarves

2010-02-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

Satellite image of north and south korea at night. An excerpt from a story on the north's closed society, where citizens average 6 inches shorter than the south:

Unlike previous racist dictatorships, the North Korean one has actually succeeded in producing a sort of new species. Starving and stunted dwarves, living in the dark, kept in perpetual ignorance and fear, brainwashed into the hatred of others, regimented and coerced and inculcated with a death cult: This horror show is in our future, and is so ghastly that our own darling leaders dare not face it and can only peep through their fingers at what is coming.

sucks

2010-01-31T19:19:00.000-08:00

From the toronto-ist site. I wish i had the cojones (also, necessary spare time and materials) to have done this many times whilst jean lived in a neighborhood not known for easy parking.
There would always be so many damn restrictions and cones up that on any given day, perhaps 40% of the parking spots were available.
"Sorry," the parking authority probably would say to a new request, "we already have three construction teams, a movie shoot, a crime scene, an eternally parked winnebago and 6 bus stops on that block alone. You'll have to wait until at least tomorrow."
"Aw, come on."
[a half smirk]
[a raised eyebrow]
"What the hell, they're adults - they'll figure it out. Granted!"
[evil laughing and vigorous hand shaking]

a real beaut on the bay

2010-01-30T16:06:00.000-08:00

class is in session

2010-01-29T16:37:00.000-08:00

Your request is being pr

"So effective was the president that Fox News cut away from the broadcast 20 minutes before it ended."

Barry accepted the republicans' invitation to their house retreat and without teleprompters or ideologue rhetoric let the audience reflect themselves. Really, if you have an hour in the day to watch this, it's something to see. Not only because of the blatant mismatch in agenda and tact but also because i think it's very unique to watch a sitting president attend the opposite party's house retreat and perform like i would expect a president to: knowledgeable on the issues and pragmatic.

Healthcare is asked about at about 30 min in, and "rep. jeb from texas" gets schooled at about 55 min.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

no such thing as patriotic beer goggles

2010-01-29T13:30:00.000-08:00

just watched the state of the union. nobody can say the man is not a good orator. the address if of course usually largely rhetoric, but it's always nice to hear pettiness being admonished.
still, one would be blacked out after 10 minutes had they played the state of the union drinking game on nancy's seal clapping alone. she really is hard on the eyes, god bless her. they could probably dig up mary todd lincoln's corpse, prop her up against a yard stick and rig her hands with some fishing line for clapping and no one would be the wiser.

unrelated story: link

the real reason i never talk on the phone

2010-01-27T09:33:00.000-08:00

most people have heard that cell phone usage has been linked to tumors and heart palpitations. i didnt realize that it's more serious than we've been sheltered to believe in this country. after reading this magazine story, my likelihood of speaking on the phone has gone from about 10% to neverX1,000.
the studies also suggest that wifi has the same effects on the human body and its seeming mutilation of cells as cell phones do. germany has already recommended their citizens avoid wifi for health reasons.
while much of the western world is cautioning their citizens on the dangers of cell phone radiation and starting to look for cell tower alternatives, many in the US have no idea, largely because faux legislation has been in place for some time now to protect the telecommunications industry (a la tobacco and energy/oil) and their enormous profits. in fact, the country is pushing on towards mass wifi without seriously reviewing independent studies on its effect on our bodies, even muffling them.
if i dont answer my phone, it's for both our sakes

sweet f'ing moses

2010-01-26T15:51:00.000-08:00

this, friends and family, is a bike wheel with a new tube inside a new tire that has been fully fixed on the rims. it is something i have not seen for a few weeks. notice the sunlight shining on the wheel, as the clouds parted while i achieved the last wedge of tire into place and the music swelled on my speakers. it was meant to finally be. god and the laws of nature were finally ready to stop mocking me every time it occurred to me that i wanted to go for a bike ride but, "ah, balls! that flat tire hasn't fixed itself!"
i can truly empathize with my nephew pax the next time i watch him attempt to build a tower of blocks.i shouldve flown him down for peer support one of the dozen times i tried to put this damn tire on. he and i would sit down with our noble causes: building a marble run block tower and fitting a fucking tire back on a goddamn wheel, respectively. we'd have tremendous confidence and be feeling good about our current attempt because "this time will be different," we'd tell each other. then his wooden tunnel block would fall out of place and my inner tube would pop out from its fitting in the rim. we'd both grumble and look at each other with near exasperation but THIS time will be different. he'd be just about done and giving the marble a test run while i'd have one last inch of tire to pop into place. then... his marble would fall off and my tire would pop off for the 42nd time. wooden blocks and bike pieces would meet against the opposite wall while we scream our respective curses and storm out of the room.
well, i can hear the faint sound of a marble running it's full course...

ooOo

2010-01-26T15:24:00.000-08:00

i like me some rain as much as much as the next guy, but damn it's nice to see the sun

wait for it

2010-01-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

somehow, the usual crowd will turn this into anti-capitalistic bullying of the poor banks. a lot of americans will believe it, convinced it's socialism. the "tea-baggers" will freak out because they're told they have to take their country back yet again. some news show will start a rumor that barack hussein obama has included a "death tax" to eliminate senior bank executives, which will scare a few million american seniors again. matt drudge will run a screaming red headline about how "obama attacks free market..." and glenn beck will cry and rail about how this isnt what the founding fathers had in mind. in the end, enough americans will be scared to be outspoken against it and it probably wont make it through congress.

2010-01-21T11:34:00.001-08:00

is that hypocrisy in your pants, or are you just happy since ignorance is bliss?

2010-01-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

Fox News Covers Scott Brown's Victory

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

turns out there's a seventh continent.

2010-01-20T19:15:00.000-08:00

I sorta forgot about the giant landmass at the bottom of the world. once i settled on it being a featureless slab of ice with a few penguins waddling around, i pretty much lost interest.

then i watched the documentary encounters at the end of the world and it is now easily my seventh-favorite continent. which is not to say i was not incredibly fascinated; i certainly recommend giving the film a viewing. antarctica looked nothing short of an alien planet in some other solar system as the filmmaker explored 13,000 foot volcanoes with star trek-like steam caverns they create in the ice. he then dived into the sea to film the bizarre animals that can sustain the deep cold as the divers' oxygen tank bubbles would react to the trapping ice sheet above like drops of oil in water. mile-thick ice covers much of the continent, even though it is millions of years removed from being tropical. he spoke with some of the many unusual personalities from around the world who end up in antarctica to assist in scientific studies and the strange, almost sci-fi town they inhabit in an ungoverned continent (which happens to be as big as north america but due to the ice and isolation was practically undiscovered even when europeans had been in south america for 300 years). and for me, apparently until 2 days ago. oops.

People I Can't Stand, Vol XIV: Giada

2010-01-19T22:10:00.000-08:00

I'd like to encounter Giada just once on the street so I can tell her that she's ugly.

I mean, dear god, just minutes into her pretentious, self-absorbed show and had you been born yesterday, you'd swear you were taking cooking tips from the Gilded Italian Empress. Fortunately, I was not born yesterday. I've also seen the Adams Family. If you injected Morticia's face with a triple dose of collagen, then stretched her face taut with clothes pins, you'd just about have this one. Oh, then be sure to leave her alone for a few minutes with her mirror, razor and "italian snow".

You know what, Giada? No one gives a hot damn that you pronounce "pasta" like you got off the boat yesterday. So you were born in Italy. I was born in Oregon. Other people were born in other places. NO ONE CARES.

We see that you have boobies. They're nice. I'm sure they landed you your show, among other things. I still start every morning with a little more contempt for you then the day before. It's exponential and won't stop until someone finally tells you that you are not the greatest thing since "paremashjannnma!"

coloRADo, indeed

2010-01-18T21:12:00.000-08:00

Surprised Jean and her friend with a birthday trip to Colorado. We spent a day on the slopes at Vail and were the last ones off the mountain which, while scenes from White Fang and Alive momentarily popped into my conscience, I was able to convince myself that being as close to alone in the wild while technically on the grounds of a resort was a good thing. In fact, the rescue guy doing end-of-day sweeps on his snowmobile assured me he didn't mind having to wait for me while I pizza-sliced my way at breakneck speeds from the summit.

"Take your time," he said with the condescending yet reassuring smirk that only a rescuer can give while idling on his snowmobile, petting his dog on his lap.

The two of them just watched while gravity became too much for me while practically standing still on my skis. Nonetheless, he hung back long enough (and Jean was fast/better enough to ski ahead) and I was able to slide along by myself as the snow turned to ice and dusk set in. Nothing but a surreal quiet, white aspens blending in with the ground and the crunch of the snow on the skis as I glided along in my frozen novice wedge stance.

It also allowed for truly inspiring sunset panoramas of the Rockies.

me, jean, camtron, tbell, adam

god gets the last laugh

2010-01-14T22:27:00.000-08:00

in case youve managed to miss this gem

Pavlovian Patriotism

2010-01-14T22:09:00.002-08:00

A pal sent this video to me and by the time i finished watching it, i felt some sort of cross between wanting to have a no-taxes tea party in my living room and wanting to make an obama effigy dressed as a gay terrorist karl marx trying to get married while urinating on the constitution and the bible, then putting the effigy in the back of my F-350, setting it on fire, attaching a giant american flag to the tailgate and driving slowly through the Castro while playing Born in the USA (nothing against The Boss).

Scary words + overly-dramatic music + us v them mentality=

Countin money

2010-01-14T22:09:00.001-08:00

movin $

2010-01-04T16:02:00.000-08:00

there's obviously some sort of peace and security having my money and savings in a major bank - one i consider to be relatively sound and responsible. it's not easy to make a decision to move all or some of it to another institution, which is why i havent yet. though the video is a touch on the scare tactic side, there's really something to be said about responding to corporate misbehavior in today's society and culture. the average person isn't going to take to the streets over wall street corruption. as usual, making a concerted effort for change (farmers markets, for one) costs a bit more financially and in terms of convenience. when does the price meet the desire for diversity, fair competition and the desire to avoid companies becoming so big that become an embryonic stage of the government/"too big to fail"?

still a grumpy old man

2010-01-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

In a recent NYT Magazine story on the current "war on terror":

A half-dozen former senior Bush officials involved in counterterrorism told me before the Christmas Day incident that for the most part, they were comfortable with Obama's policies, although they were reluctant to say so on the record. Some worried they would draw the ire of Cheney's circle if they did, while others calculated that calling attention to the similarities to Bush would only make it harder for Obama to stay the course. And they generally resent Obama's anti-Bush rhetoric and are unwilling to give him political cover by defending him.

Now, personally, i still think the term "War on terror" is a loosely-defined crock, way too many people are profiteering from it and there's clearly issues to be addressed after the attack attempt last week. but what a freaking shame when absurd partisanship, egos and threats continue as if it's just part of the old boys' game.

like a christmas tree

2010-01-04T15:44:00.000-08:00

a horrific, depressing, dose of reality christmas tree. click play on the map in this story to see how the decisions of a corrupt relative few have effected the country in pockmark-like fashion.

neph to the power of 5

2010-01-04T15:28:00.000-08:00

im gonna have to memorize a lot more card tricks and inappropriate jokes to keep this many dudes entertained. now when anyone asks how many nephews i have, it'll look like i'm waiting for a high-five, which is pretty sweet. it's a very cool thing to be rechristened uncle.

¡feliz festividad del Festivus, uno y todo!

2009-12-22T11:04:00.000-08:00

it's a festivus miracle! the festivus story, as told in spanish

this one's for you, Glenn

2009-12-18T11:03:00.000-08:00

Glenn Beck chided Obama for the timing of his announcement on Afghanistan since it bumped A Charlie Brown Christmas from TV.

As Glenn Beck noted, that show includes "one of the most politically incorrect scenes on TV," in which Linus recounts the story of the nativity. "Maybe we should put everything back in its rightful place and listen to messages that actually mean something," Beck suggested.

Way to stand up to the man on the big issues, Glenn. I'll let Linus stick it to the liberals:

"I'm comin' home, Dorothy,"

2009-12-18T09:27:00.000-08:00

gasped the American president, played by Danny Glover (naturally), and sole survivor (of course) of a giant earthquake to hit DC as he gazed up at an enormous tidal wave carrying an aircraft carrier about to smash down into the capitol and himself (well, yeah).
I'm sure the thought of this scene made more than a few 10-year-olds piss their pants in awe and excitement and gave Roland Emmerich a raging... well, he probably had to call his doctor after 3 hours while directing the scene for 2012.
It's my own damn fault for going to see the movie in the first place. I knew full well that I was going to see what the industry still insists on referring to as a "blockbuster" or "monster of a movie" full of explosions, CGI and Danny Gloverisms (yesterday was, in fact, the most Glover I've watched in my life. Earlier in the day, I spent an hour watching Pure Luck on BET. It's a hilarious 90s movie, but c'mon: BET?)

It shouldn't have been the least bit unexpected, considering Emmerlich's resume includes such shitastic wonders of cinema as 10,000 BC (9%!), Godzilla and The Day After Tomorrow. Still, I consider it a personal fail and a lapse in judgment when I've handed Roland 25 of my dollars to sit in front of a moving picture that I wanted to leave 25 minutes in. That's, like, $1/min!

Still, wtf Emmerlich?! I scoffed so many times during the whole 158 minutes that my scoffer hurt and I was telling myself to shut up. I'm going to become invested in John Cusack as a character because I've seen the same effing dialogue and character structure in every effing action movie? Let's see: let's take the storyline template of divorced parents/dad trying to earn son's appreciation/dad and mom get back together and use $200 million dollars of tape and caulking to make it stick to this doomsday thing. Should we even bother to change the actual words or sentimental music from the last film? Nah, we have to spend the budget on CGI!

It really wouldn't have bothered me so much if there wasn't so damn much of it. It makes me angry to think how helpless I am to not be able to admonish somebody responsible for this crap. What am I gonna do, leave a sternly-worded user review on Rotten Tomatoes for 2 people to read? Yes. Yes I am. Suck it, Emmerlich. You too, Glover.

holy yowzas

2009-12-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

it's cold. how cold? well, i went for a stroll today and within 3 minutes:
=

if you don't know what that second image is, google "diamond" and "cutter" - and make sure the safesearch is on. if you're from, say, portland or new york, just save it. this is the coldest it's been here in 30 years. so take your "we get four seasons of weather" and stuff it in a sack. it's COLD. by god, it's cold.

milk is good

2009-12-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

feeling optimistic?

2009-12-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

or generally upbeat and hopeful about your fellow man? don't worry, following are some handpicked recent news-makers to right that ship. they are not recommended for reading by idealists or pregnant women. that means you, jess.

downer 1
downer 2
downer 3
downer 4
downer 5

Yule Tides and Tannenbaums

2009-12-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

and flannels, bitches

if you like it then you'll wanna put a ring on it, but they already did

2009-12-01T14:56:00.000-08:00

i'll regret typing that later, but in the meantime, you know you like it. my bro-in-law pointed me to ted.com and this video is one of the more amazing/inspiring/mind-bending things i've seen. a couple years back they landed a probe on one of the moons of saturn. that speck of light you see in the low western sky, 750 million miles away in the outer solar system... mankind managed to land one of our machines on one of its 60 moons and send back pictures to us. when one really stops to think about the complexity and enormity of that accomplishment, well, check it for yourself. be sure to watch it all the way through for the amazing image at the end.

just sayin

2009-11-24T13:22:00.000-08:00

foodbank

a charlie brown snoozefest

2009-11-22T14:21:00.000-08:00

what is with the animated charlie brown thanksgiving? who is entertained by it? i don't see how it can hold kids' attention and it sure doesn't hold mine. yet almost every year i somehow end up watching a few minutes of it - of snoopy playing ping pong. and playing ping pong some more. more ping pong. ping pong. oh look, snoopy's fighting with a lawn chair. and... still fighting with the lawn chair... still? and the countless long pauses. did shultz even approve this?

does someone have poop in their pants, mr gover- oh, right

2009-11-20T21:54:00.000-08:00

oh that's right. no one thinks you should be governor. now you just look like a black-hole-of-pout; exponentially becoming a bigger prick and a more sophomoric, sniveling, whiny, entitled cretin in front of everyone's eyes. oh, and now on tv too.

please don't stop - it's fun to watch

a link with video is worth a thousand posts

conan between 2 ferns

2009-11-19T00:20:00.001-08:00

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

laura croft's snarkiness

2009-11-17T15:09:00.001-08:00

"you should try to watch your temper sometimes," jean says occasionally. they're usually occasions following curb your enthusiasm fodder; exchanges with strangers including unnecessary drama, misunderstandings and obscenities. in general, i agree. i sometimes have a bit of a short fuse with people that i dont know, usually when they're in a position of owing me service and they either try to screw me or cop an attitude. rarely do i ever lash out. it's normally a curt, dismissive remark intended to stick it to them and leave them humbled in sorry reality (thanks for taking me down the busiest street at rush hour. funny how that affects a tip, isn't it?"). this is usually followed about 15 minutes later with coming to my senses and thinking the whole exchange was entertaining. then i feel bad for about half a day, before again thinking the whole thing was funny.

the film yard is a bit of a north beach institution. in the neighborhood for about 20 years, it's survived blockbuster (no big task there) and netflix. the employees are usually overly helpful and suggestive and often leave to grab a bite around the corner, leaving a "be back in 5 min" on the door for 10-15 minutes. it's locally owned, small and quirky though, so we usually frequent them for our film-watching needs.

there's one employee of this place who ordinarily wouldn't stand out from the equally-nerdy others, except that she sports a crazy belt that a homely laura croft might wear. it's unmistakable that this belt is intended to have at least a dozen uses. there's pockets, silver things, latches, compartments and chambers. this might have been cool in medieval times, but when you work part time at a video store and the rest of your time as a student at the evil empire of san francisco, i doubt you'll be whittling or slaying dragons any time soon.

Note: reference to belt only. Belt not shown to scale or with nearly as many compartments.

The other afternoon i approached crazy belt to ask where a certain film could be found. she was counting cash from the register, so i waited contently. after a few seconds, she looked up and stared at me. i blurted out a "hi" after presuming she'd open with a "how may i help you?" instead, she chose an irritated, open-mouth head shake and an exacerbated "did you have a question, or....?" There was no turning back at this point. after locating my dvd, i tossed it on the counter to really let her know she was out of line. she didn't care and ignored my adolescent grabbing of the receipt and half-assed signature. not to be deterred, i delivered a "you know, you should be more courteous to customers" before slipping out the front door. she ran out to the sidewalk to yell after me and call me something i wont be able to repeat to my nephews for 10 years, minimum.

i went for a run and the usual cycle began. i chuckled it off before starting to feel remorseful right about the time i was completing my circle in the general vicinity of the film yard. right on cue, as i rounded my last turn, there was a homely laura croft hoisting herself onto her fourth-hand motorcycle, leather chambers and compartments swinging violently as she climbed on.

"hey!", i panted as i ran up to her. "so, i wanted to apologize for how things went down earlier."

leah's face (her actual name, as it would turn out and awfully similar to laura), lit up as she launched into a big apology about her behavior and explained her rough afternoon. after exchanging explanations and complimenting the belt, we're now practically pals and i wouldn't be surprised if i suddenly dont get any late fees.

clearly, i wouldnt be on such good terms with crazy belt if i hadnt given a snide remark. this isn't the first time something like this has happened and to me, it's evidence that sometimes a bit of a temper is a good thing.

blanket helicopter of death

2009-11-12T20:03:00.000-08:00

there's developed a mosaic of bird shit on my balcony railing of late. the railing was clean enough to eat off of when jean and i moved in 6 weeks ago. i also used to think there was an obligatory peacefulness when a bird landed by my window in my old apartment. now without morning commitments, however, i've been spending much more time in my living room in the morning hours, apparently when birds like to do their deed and within direct line of sight from where their stupid little bird brains are attracted to on the Z shaped corner of the railing.
after i drop jean off at work in the morning, it's a little chilly in the apartment, so i like to sit on the couch to check email and the daily news with perhaps a blanket on the ready. like the cookie monster to a pile of pepperidge farm mint cookies, birds of every fucking genus are drawn to that corner of railing and that corner of railing only with the same dumb expression on their beaked faces: "hello. have i been here before? hello. your herbs look like nest for my disgusting bird babies. hello. hello? have i been here before? hello."
and just as dependable, this is about the time that i fake that im going to lunge towards the pigeon and whatever the red-feathered kind is. sometimes i bang on the window. they never buy it. so i need to resort to the blanket helicopter. i stand up from the couch like an angry senile woman who just caught the damn neighbor kids on my lawn again and i start swinging the blanket around in angry circles over my head as i charge the sliding glass door. they glide non-chalantly down to the next floor's balcony and im left with a shitless balcony for another five minutes before... "hello. have i been here before? hello."
not my proudest moment of funemployment, but a necessary one.

signs of the season

2009-11-12T18:52:00.000-08:00

DG

2009-11-09T10:49:00.001-08:00

saw david gray perform last night. i really enjoy his work and it was a solid performance. i find him to be a very capable songwriter, with a real lack of the irritable watered-down lyrics of so many artists, melodies and sounds that stay with me for a day and then make me want to listen again.

why, then, did it bother me to watch him perform in front of a sell-out crowd of representatives from every demographic in the bay area? i didnt discover this guy and even if i did, i wouldnt have exclusive listening rights. it makes sense that so many different people with different tastes would be attracted to his style. for the most part, it's good, safe music that won't raise any eyebrows. still, it waters the shit out of the experience to see twenty-somethings jumping up and down like the school girls they aren't when they hear the opening chords to the obligatory radio hit. in a way, ive made his music my own after countless solo sessions in my car and attaching certain songs to certain experiences. i dont make it my own by dancing like ive had too much to drink and he's singing this song for me, justformeohmygodilovehim! then there was the huge soccer mom working her way down the first steps from the balcony after the encore, sharing with her equally huge companion that "it was a great show!". damnit!

i'm naiive. i'm hypocritical. i'm an ass. whatever.

also, when i become a singer/songwriter, i'm definitely touring in a suit, too.

oval of trust

2009-11-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

it will expand again in a few weeks. that should even it back into a circle. for now though, i have one more new nephew with another close behind. i've been thinking about the ramifications much more this time, now that i've had three nephews who i can start seeing their personalities form. what will this nephew be like when he's 5? 35? what jokes will he think are funny? fart jokes? subtle sarcasm? what mistakes will he make?
the closest inner circle of people in your life expands again and while you don't know a thing about this person, you are connected at one of the deepest levels for the rest of your life. repeated thousands of times everyday and incredibly unique to you.

da best blackburry crew

2009-10-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

my irrational disdain for "Flo"- the hilarious, relatable, personable, sexy, quirky, approachable and ohmigoditotallywannabuyinsurance cross-generational brain-skat rubbed out by the marketing goons at Progressive insurance - has only gotten worse since we've been objected to her "flirting" with the motorcycle guy at every effing commerical break. are we supposed to feel such an interest in this trusty gal of ours by now that we think this shit is cute?!

i wouldn't even know except that i've been watching quite a bit of live tv these days on account of the playoffs and cant fast-forward. if someone would've told me two weeks ago that another piece of television marketing was being molested through approval, i would've spit. well, i'll be damned. thanks blackberry. you know, there's a real chance i might not have bought a blackberry the other day had i had to watch the break-dancing only version of this commercial a dozen times a day:

practice and acceptance kicks in around :30

way to go! you wanted tigh-eet moves like yo crew - i saw the determination on your face as you walked away. you never gave up in front of the mirror and brawt-it and now i want a smart phone.

on the flip side, some spots are just genius, especially the one bald baby.

or the one baby's face when he sings "- fly again"

or any of these

and of course the only radio commercial series worth listening to

mr cell phone holster wearer
mr in the car nose picker

one badass tree

2009-10-22T21:33:00.000-07:00

i dont know why i remember it, but when we were kids, holly used to make fun of a scene from robin hood: prince of thieves, where the peasants are being attacked by the evil british in their forest camp. "to the trees!" was the stupid line barked from some "panicked" extra. made me laugh every time. unfortunately, when i'm in a forest setting, i now occasionally cant help but suddenly think of kevin costner and why he didnt even bother to attempt an english accent in that movie. he really sucks.

i managed a costner-free experience the other day, thank god, as i biked through a steep hill in the presidio. it was one of those hills so steep that when relaying the experience to friends, you hold your bent arm out in an awkward 110 degree angle and wince while driving the point home. i was more than willing to stop my string of profanities about half way up the incline when i noticed a well-executed placard in the brush beyond the curb.

they're "renewing" the area, it read, by tearing out whatever trees the army engineers thought were nice back in the day and replanting the original species - young redwood trees. now, a few weeks earlier i would've thought, "hey, that's nice. redwoods are nice and big." one article and national geographic special later, however, i have a newfound appreciation for this sort of thing.

fact check! they're the fastest-growing organisms on earth - up to 6ft in their first year. if left to grow, they can reach close to 400ft high, the tallest trees in the world, and have a mysterious cell structure that allows them to essentially defy gravity, pulling water from their roots up the huge trunks. they also draw in water from fog hundreds up feet up. they were the dominant tree in north america relatively recently, but the last ice age confined their habitat to a thin strip of coast from big basin to a few miles past the oregon border. they do not grow naturally any where else in the world. in the early 20th century, when people just didnt give a damn, over 95% of the old growth trees - thousands of years old - were logged out. a few of the really old guys are left and protected, alive since the roman empire and before europeans ever arrived. they're so massive that rotting leaves can form soil on their limbs that support whole microcosms where other trees grow and animals spend their whole lives.

it's been a protracted legal fight to save the oldest surviving trees, and understanding exactly how rare they are makes it all the cooler that they survived on just this tiny strip of the world.

taste the sad!

2009-10-21T23:18:00.000-07:00

taste it! taste the sad dodgers and dodger fans.

for a split second so fleeting i hardly believe it happened, i had a sense of regret about getting so much pleasure from seeing the dejection on the faces of the dodgers as they were eliminated from the playoffs. then i laughed it off. laughed and pointed at the tv. and mocked.

one of the funniest guys going

2009-10-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

is galifianakis

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

simpler times

2009-10-19T21:25:00.000-07:00

he was sprawled out on the sidewalk like a bug having met a windshield on I-5. prone on his back, limbs stretched out like a shoddy compass. his face looked like a pile of dark putty being pulled towards the cement by some particularly strong pocket of gravity. i dont normally notice homeless people anymore due to sheer volume, but this man looked so bizarrely peaceful. surely drunk as a sailor having just discovered simpler times and tripping off god knows what else, he might not be the wisest correlation to draw, but on an aimless stroll through downtown on a warm night, he was the perfect hyperbole for the sanguine last week.

taking the Centurion out for a spin around town when the town is in cubicles; it's kind of embarrassing, the weird smirk i cant help but get when i first get a good pedal going. the first few eye contacts with strangers probably merit explanation. "no, friend," i'd say. "i'm not imagining you without pants. i'm just a free man out for a roll on his wheels on a sunny weekday afternoon. i also might have a strange susceptibility to endorphins."

everything is better and new, having decided my daily employment commitment perhaps wasnt the best for me at this time. the future is brighter, centurion rides more rejuvenating, bums more peaceful. hell, even excruciating, demoralizing bottom of the 9th playoff losses for the dodgers are more satisfying (haha suckers! suck it la!)

i now believe it's incredibly healthy for personal welfare and integrity to quit when the quitting's good. i don't recall exactly how it went down, so my memory may be a bit dodgy. i do remember a boss who looks like a Bro'd-Out Lumbergh (from Office Space) Sporting Hair in Thick Gel - BULSHITG, for short - calling me into his office one optimistic morning.

+

bulshitg: have a seat. how you feelin?
me: thanks. not so hot actually. i've been fighting off some kind of co-
bulshitg: that's great. so listen, we're doing some realigning of accounts here and we're going to be giving all of your clients to someone else and you'll be sitting at a desk all day calling car dealers that are practically out of market and want nothing to do with us.
me: ...
bulshitg: ...
me: what?
bulshitg: we think there's some tremendous opportunity there.
me: ... so you're taking my clients who know me even though i've grown revenue, created a revenue-generating magazine, interviewed tim gunn, and was sales person of the year last year?
bulshitg: we think they just need to be called
me: what? the car dealers? why is this happening?
bulshitg: i don't think you should be asking why. i think you should be thinking that the decision was made that you should have a job. see, we're doing some realign- blegght
me: what was that?
bulshitg: sorry, must be the babies i ate for lunch
me: what?
bulshitg: what?
me: ...
bulshitg: we're doing some realigning. did you say tim gunn?
me: is this because i tried to raise workplace morale by making light of your "sales call roleplay" with me in front of the whole staff the other day?
bulshitg: losersayswhat?

i filed for my resignation shortly thereafter, or that's how my memory serves me. daily bike rides and mid-afternoon history channel specials without working is obviously not sustainable, nor do i want it to be. but for now i might take a lead from the bum and head to the park tomorrow around 10am with a simpler times and pass out because, well, i can. and every once in a while it's good to do... the simpler things!

best bookstore ever

2009-09-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

i wish i could've lived some of these reviews

I quit!

2009-09-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

In reality, I didn't. Not yet, but I sat down at my desk this morning and immediately stared off at the wall to the right for god knows how long. I could see myself ceremoniously shutting down my gchat and heading out the front door to high fives from all the other chronnies. People would be crying tears of joy and jealousy. One of the mainstay old bums at the corner would wail out, "run for it travers! run home and don't stop till you get there!"

The bells in all the churches would ring as I jog down Mission St, waving at passersby as they wave back with commendations and cheers. Strangers would shake my hand (the good kind with one hand on the forearm) and confetti would fall through the glorious sunshine. Golden retriever puppies will run along side me with job offers in golden satchels on their backs.

Yea, it'll go something like that.

“Why did I sign on to this proposal if I don’t understand what it does?”

2009-09-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

Understanding how clueless, reckless and raped the presidency was under Bush would be enough to make me angry even if a deaf, orphaned amputee with a lazy eye managed to win office. I can't feel sorry for him, but I've come to personally feel an almost distinguishable tinge of something other than astonished animosity as I read the accounts of how the puppeteers absolutely had their way with him in fucking over the country for their gain. In some cases he seems truly helpless and unaware of how much unbelievable damage he allowed. It of course doesn't make him less culpable, just more bizarre and horrifying that this guy was seemingly all at once the most powerful man in the world while being used like the greasy-faced weakling in junior high who's forced to do the assertive kid's homework. Oh, and hand over his $700 billion in lunch money.

There's a good 15-minute read in an excerpt from one of Bush's speech writers in the final years. Read it with a shot of whiskey on the ready.

Ah, perspective

2009-09-16T09:58:00.000-07:00

"Betty Lou Oliver was the elevator operator for the Empire State Building in the 1940's. She was working her last day on the job on the 80th story of the building on July 28, 1945. What Betty did not know was that a man named Colonel Smith was flying through heavy fog over New York in a B-25 and was heading straight for the building. The plane would crash into the 79th floor of the building. Betty was thrown from her post and badly burned in the accident though she survived while 14 others did not.
When rescuers got to her they decided to lower her via the elevators what the rescuers did not know is that the cables had been weakened to breaking point. Once the elevator doors closed the cables snapped and she plummeted 79 stories. Betty survived but again had to be rescued. She was later treated at the hospital for serious injuries."

demon sex crimes and deep cleaning

2009-08-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

i form an opinion of most people near immediately. although it's more of a fault than anything, i do the same for people ive never actually met. it's what happened when i first read an entry or two of SFGate's columnist Mark Morford. while i thought his humor is a brand i would appreciate, ive found him to be more of a pompous word exhibitionist, finding some sort of pleasure from showing off to readers just how well he can encapsulate a point or witty comment by utilizing little-known words, forcing readers to keep dictionary.com open on a second tab behind his stupid column. a dictionary dick, of sorts.

as i sat in the dentist's chair the other day, i had to remember that i did tip my hat to him once for his equating of led zeppelin's sound to that of "demons fucking in a hurricane". now, led zeppelin may be the greatest rock band ever, so it was quite a feat to fully capture their full spectrum of badassedness in a handful of words.

the dentist told me i needed a "deep cleaning", lest the calcified pockets of bacteria under my gums begin eating away my jaw bone. this was not two minutes after she completed telling me a story about a recent patient who unknowingly had a giant cyst growing along his gums that wouldve snapped his jaw within days had he not taken the xrays that i subtly questioned earlier in the exam. so i came back for the cleaning, which was certainly deep, by all accounts. it did, in fact, sound as it must when demons take turns raping each other in a cement grinder, stopping briefly every 3 minutes to carve their initials into a concrete sidewalk with a rusty nail, before really getting back into it.

the aftermath? the sweat stains covering my shirt and pants as the dentist maternally blots my numb, sagging cheek with a cotton ball and makes some attempt at a joke about "sprayback". even through my blurry eyes i can tell the cotton ball is red. i go back next week for the other half of my mouth.

the moral to the story. FLOSS YOUR TEETH WITH A DOWNWARD, "ALMOST L SHAPE" TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR GUMS UNTIL YOU HEAR THE SQUEAKING SOUND. THAT MEANS IT'S CLEAN PEOPLE. dear god, that means it's clean. tell your children: the squeaking means it's clean!

perseids

2009-08-14T23:01:00.000-07:00

took a drive up north away from the city glow to watch the perseid meteor shower at its peak with jean the other night. this is some of the coolest stuff to me: watching debris, ancient in the truest form of the word, hurtle from the depths of our solar system towards earth at incredible speeds and plainly visible to the naked eye. "dust" from a comet that takes 130 years - generations - to orbit the sun enters the earth's shield of gases and ignites into a blaze. momentarily leaving a signature on the backdrop of a thousand visible stars and their respective non-visible planetary systems, with a smoke tail illuminated for an extra few seconds. at least to me, the idea of space seems so one-dimensional when we happen to look up at night. this makes it a bit more realistic to me, watching space violently throw itself toward us.

Behold, Centurion

2009-08-03T19:38:00.000-07:00

Picked this little beauty up over the weekend. Yep, she's all mine. Some 23 odd years young and never owned. I've wanted a road bike for a while, and I've missed getting out on the long rides I used to do every weekend. This day had been a while in the making. As I got ready for her maiden ride, did a couple quick toe touches and looked in the mirror, all I could think of was how much of enormous dork I look like in a bike helmet.

Whatever - nothing cooler than safety, right? Giving a quick knock on the ol' helmet to check for cracks and rolling up my right pant leg to look like an official SF biker prick, I hopped on and headed around town on my new two wheels of radness and began pedaling around tourists and city buses with the grace and prowess suggestive of lance armstrong.

It's dicey as hell on a bike around here. Mostly because when it comes to concepts of inertia, direction, walking, common sense and eyesight, the average person leaves a lot to be desired.

Then there was the kid who fell behind his fanny pack-toting family to gaze at my new machine. I was stopped at a red light and assumed a badass pose by the curb so he could get the full effect. Probably a half-dozen double takes by the kid as he stared at my bike and the coolest dude ever riding it. Right before he walked directly into a bus stop pole.

Around town today

2009-07-29T23:00:00.000-07:00

The joe in the workout shorts and shiny running shoes walking out of Costco with his brand new Wii Fit set under his arm and a look of accomplishment on his face.

The guy sitting on the steps at SF City College about two pages into "Math does NOT suck", all in bright pink lettering and in the same fonts used for the intro to Saved by the Bell.

The loser at the gym on the stationary bike. Sipping his latte while "reading" his novel. Ass.

The blind guy who was crossing Taylor this morning and couldn't tell I was half-way into the crosswalk until his walking stick slapped my bumper and confusion reigned for about 4 seconds until he found his revised path to the sidewalk. I tried to back up but the clown behind me wouldn't move! Sorry, if you're reading this. Oh, right..

The River Fun

2009-07-27T20:25:00.000-07:00

As Meryl Streep is to:

,

So we were to:

Thanks to an awesome birthday trip from Jean

Progressively worse

2009-07-21T21:40:00.000-07:00

Anyone else genuinely despise these commercials for progressive insurance?

I mean, like really, really angrily dislike it. A write-a-sternly-worded-letter-to-progressive hate that almost ruins whatever faux reality show it is that I'm investing my time in. Whenever I see god-awful commercials like this crap, I immediately imagine myself sitting in the board room meeting where some blowhard executive is signing off on this script: the quirky, relatable hipster "gal" that makes car insurance FUN weee hehe! I'm of course powerless to stop this decision from being made, let alone the follow up board meeting where the same executive feels his new quirky, hipster campaign is being received so well by the voiceless viewing audience that he signs off on enough variations on the same retarded theme to fill 10 months of Seinfeld reruns and in between Billy Mays pitches (rip).

I don't like corporations trying to be too assuming of me as a consumer, too hip (close second) and likable. It's what advertising is in essence and part of a free market society, but these are the best ideas they have? These are what millions of dollars are being spent on? This is what we respond to??

Also, an interesting read today.

Happy something or other

2009-07-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy that my nephs are old/young enough to be coerced/coached by my sisters into wishing me salutations. Whether it's Sam meticulously repeating his birthday wishes for me, Joe blurting whatever monosyllabic adulations come to mind, or Pax descending into the most thoroughly orchestrated balderdash between "happy birthday" and "berries", it's good to be an uncle these days.

holy mamas!

2009-07-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

for the first time in 5 years, my Giants are competitive. for the first time i can remember, they're competitive because of young, enthusiastic, unpretentious players. they're competitive because of phenoms like tim lincecum, matt cain and pablo sandoval - some of the best in the league. not because of guys like jonathan sanchez.

jonathan sanchez was one of the Giants' five starting pitchers but was so terribly inconsistent that he was banished to the bullpen (baseball's version of sitting one out) and it was assumed the team was trying to trade him to any team willing to offer any value in return. he was unwanted. last week one of the giants other starters (who happens to be the ugliest man in professional sports), hurt his shoulder. the team needed sanchez to fill in for one slot while the other pitcher healed.

with his dad watching from the stands for the first time in his major league career. sanchez ended up throwing the first no-hitter for the giants in 33 years this weekend. i appreciate that it means little to a non baseball fan, but a no-hitter happens maybe once a year in the sport (with over 2,400 games played each year). its one of the more rare feats in baseball, especially considering that the giants have generally sucked and been one of the less-than-victorious/lucky teams over the past 50 years.

few things make me blurt obscenities at my television in excitement while im standing in my apartment alone in my skivvies. this did. (link is snapshot of his game in 3 min. jump to 2:50 on the link for the last couple outs, complete with padre sanchez balling his eyes out).