Your Eagle is Due Back Now, Please

According to our records, you checked the bald eagle out of the national library of symbols for use in your... let's see what he have here... oh right, "campaign to stop the America-hating, nobama hussein-loving socialists from taking over my body". According to the ticker, these very America-haters have indeed succeeded in taking over your body and will do god knows what with it. In the meantime, we will need you to return the eagle. We also have you down as having checked out "image of American flag fiercely fluttering in the wind", also due back.

We thank you for using the national library, proudly loaning these symbols out to the worked up, misinformed masses for the past 14 years. Frankly, bravo on the execution of weaving these two images into countless vehement, albeit contradictory and endearingly ignorant posters, pickets and trucker hats. While we're on endearingly ignorant, someone here believes they saw you smuggle out a "colonial patriot, adult XXL" costume, complete with tri-corner hat - also due back. The "I (heart) Teabaggers" bumper sticker is not ours and is yours to keep.

We've had a hell of a time tracking you down, seeing as how you signed for these items under a "Joe R. McCarthy", who we've found has been deceased for over 50 years. After doing some cross-checking, we also can't seem to find our painfully witty image of President Obama with a Stalin mustache - a fold-up poster included in the book Socialism for Dummies, and Why You're Already Embracing it in Your Everyday American Lives, 5th ed.

One more thing: as you are well aware, we here have quite a pleasant working relationship with God. He called and asked that when we reach you, we relay that he's considering filing a cease and desist on using his brand. Apparently you've been grossly misinterpreting his son? Just don't mention him at all, I think is what he was getting at, since he actually voted for the evil body snatchers. I know, crazy huh?

Anyway, we see here that you've already requested to check these items out again for a... "Keep your Stalin Hands off my Tax Dollars and the Financial CEOs Spending Them" campaign? I'll go ahead and get our creative department started on an Obama/Mr Monopoly caricature.