Crazy Pills

I'm not on them. But somebody's running a racket around here, and being sober from crazy is isolating me from the general public more and more.

Take today's trip to the market. Pulling into the parking lot, I slowed to a stop at a crosswalk in order to let a round hispanic girl in her 20s cross. she didnt cross at first. she stood there and furled her stenciled eyebrows - i'm such an ass for having stopped to let her cross. i think they call that look the stink-stencil. all put out that she had the right of way, she huffed and began clomping across the street and directly down the middle of the parking lane. her painted-on jeans miraculously held her corpulent ass in place as it clogged any passage like newton's cradle. Somehow slipping past, i pulled into a parking spot down the way and idled while checking email. Hearing what at first sounded like a seagull in heat, I checked my side view mirror to see many poor eating decisions pouring over the front of a pair of pants and a button holding on for life.

"Kan choo move yore kar?! i cant open my dore!" came the angry squawking through my rolled down window.

"Sure. We don't need to be mean about it, though." Forget the fact that a fully stocked wheelbarrow could've rolled between our cars. My willingness to make room for her width brought more huffing before she wedged behind the wheel and re-stenciled while mouthing profanities at me.

Inside the store, I decided some chips would hit the spot. A man wearing a backpack and reading a magazine by the chip rack slowly looked up at me and stared as i walked up. he didnt look like a crazy. he looked like a nothing-special average joe, except that if you changed the chip rack to an 1850's saloon and transplanted his face onto Mad Dog Tannen's and called him "yella", nothing would be different.

I pretended to ignore his glare. He eventually looked back to his Us Weekly but as I reached for some Sun Chips, Mad Dog realized I was McFly and started staring at me again.

we finally exchanged "hello's", even though his was more of a "Hello, im incredibly crazy and i'm going to keep staring at you." and he did, all the way through checkout.