demon sex crimes and deep cleaning

i form an opinion of most people near immediately. although it's more of a fault than anything, i do the same for people ive never actually met. it's what happened when i first read an entry or two of SFGate's columnist Mark Morford. while i thought his humor is a brand i would appreciate, ive found him to be more of a pompous word exhibitionist, finding some sort of pleasure from showing off to readers just how well he can encapsulate a point or witty comment by utilizing little-known words, forcing readers to keep dictionary.com open on a second tab behind his stupid column. a dictionary dick, of sorts.

as i sat in the dentist's chair the other day, i had to remember that i did tip my hat to him once for his equating of led zeppelin's sound to that of "demons fucking in a hurricane". now, led zeppelin may be the greatest rock band ever, so it was quite a feat to fully capture their full spectrum of badassedness in a handful of words.

the dentist told me i needed a "deep cleaning", lest the calcified pockets of bacteria under my gums begin eating away my jaw bone. this was not two minutes after she completed telling me a story about a recent patient who unknowingly had a giant cyst growing along his gums that wouldve snapped his jaw within days had he not taken the xrays that i subtly questioned earlier in the exam. so i came back for the cleaning, which was certainly deep, by all accounts. it did, in fact, sound as it must when demons take turns raping each other in a cement grinder, stopping briefly every 3 minutes to carve their initials into a concrete sidewalk with a rusty nail, before really getting back into it.

the aftermath? the sweat stains covering my shirt and pants as the dentist maternally blots my numb, sagging cheek with a cotton ball and makes some attempt at a joke about "sprayback". even through my blurry eyes i can tell the cotton ball is red. i go back next week for the other half of my mouth.



the moral to the story. FLOSS YOUR TEETH WITH A DOWNWARD, "ALMOST L SHAPE" TO THE BOTTOM OF YOUR GUMS UNTIL YOU HEAR THE SQUEAKING SOUND. THAT MEANS IT'S CLEAN PEOPLE. dear god, that means it's clean. tell your children: the squeaking means it's clean!