my irrational disdain for "Flo"- the hilarious, relatable, personable, sexy, quirky, approachable and ohmigoditotallywannabuyinsurance cross-generational brain-skat rubbed out by the marketing goons at Progressive insurance - has only gotten worse since we've been objected to her "flirting" with the motorcycle guy at every effing commerical break. are we supposed to feel such an interest in this trusty gal of ours by now that we think this shit is cute?!
i wouldn't even know except that i've been watching quite a bit of live tv these days on account of the playoffs and cant fast-forward. if someone would've told me two weeks ago that another piece of television marketing was being molested through approval, i would've spit. well, i'll be damned. thanks blackberry. you know, there's a real chance i might not have bought a blackberry the other day had i had to watch the break-dancing only version of this commercial a dozen times a day:
practice and acceptance kicks in around :30
way to go! you wanted tigh-eet moves like yo crew - i saw the determination on your face as you walked away. you never gave up in front of the mirror and brawt-it and now i want a smart phone.
on the flip side, some spots are just genius, especially the one bald baby.
or the one baby's face when he sings "- fly again"
or any of these
and of course the only radio commercial series worth listening to
mr cell phone holster wearer
mr in the car nose picker
Monday, October 26, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
one badass tree
i dont know why i remember it, but when we were kids, holly used to make fun of a scene from robin hood: prince of thieves, where the peasants are being attacked by the evil british in their forest camp. "to the trees!" was the stupid line barked from some "panicked" extra. made me laugh every time. unfortunately, when i'm in a forest setting, i now occasionally cant help but suddenly think of kevin costner and why he didnt even bother to attempt an english accent in that movie. he really sucks.
i managed a costner-free experience the other day, thank god, as i biked through a steep hill in the presidio. it was one of those hills so steep that when relaying the experience to friends, you hold your bent arm out in an awkward 110 degree angle and wince while driving the point home. i was more than willing to stop my string of profanities about half way up the incline when i noticed a well-executed placard in the brush beyond the curb.
they're "renewing" the area, it read, by tearing out whatever trees the army engineers thought were nice back in the day and replanting the original species - young redwood trees. now, a few weeks earlier i would've thought, "hey, that's nice. redwoods are nice and big." one article and national geographic special later, however, i have a newfound appreciation for this sort of thing.
fact check! they're the fastest-growing organisms on earth - up to 6ft in their first year. if left to grow, they can reach close to 400ft high, the tallest trees in the world, and have a mysterious cell structure that allows them to essentially defy gravity, pulling water from their roots up the huge trunks. they also draw in water from fog hundreds up feet up. they were the dominant tree in north america relatively recently, but the last ice age confined their habitat to a thin strip of coast from big basin to a few miles past the oregon border. they do not grow naturally any where else in the world. in the early 20th century, when people just didnt give a damn, over 95% of the old growth trees - thousands of years old - were logged out. a few of the really old guys are left and protected, alive since the roman empire and before europeans ever arrived. they're so massive that rotting leaves can form soil on their limbs that support whole microcosms where other trees grow and animals spend their whole lives.
it's been a protracted legal fight to save the oldest surviving trees, and understanding exactly how rare they are makes it all the cooler that they survived on just this tiny strip of the world.
i managed a costner-free experience the other day, thank god, as i biked through a steep hill in the presidio. it was one of those hills so steep that when relaying the experience to friends, you hold your bent arm out in an awkward 110 degree angle and wince while driving the point home. i was more than willing to stop my string of profanities about half way up the incline when i noticed a well-executed placard in the brush beyond the curb.
they're "renewing" the area, it read, by tearing out whatever trees the army engineers thought were nice back in the day and replanting the original species - young redwood trees. now, a few weeks earlier i would've thought, "hey, that's nice. redwoods are nice and big." one article and national geographic special later, however, i have a newfound appreciation for this sort of thing.
fact check! they're the fastest-growing organisms on earth - up to 6ft in their first year. if left to grow, they can reach close to 400ft high, the tallest trees in the world, and have a mysterious cell structure that allows them to essentially defy gravity, pulling water from their roots up the huge trunks. they also draw in water from fog hundreds up feet up. they were the dominant tree in north america relatively recently, but the last ice age confined their habitat to a thin strip of coast from big basin to a few miles past the oregon border. they do not grow naturally any where else in the world. in the early 20th century, when people just didnt give a damn, over 95% of the old growth trees - thousands of years old - were logged out. a few of the really old guys are left and protected, alive since the roman empire and before europeans ever arrived. they're so massive that rotting leaves can form soil on their limbs that support whole microcosms where other trees grow and animals spend their whole lives.
it's been a protracted legal fight to save the oldest surviving trees, and understanding exactly how rare they are makes it all the cooler that they survived on just this tiny strip of the world.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
taste the sad!
taste it! taste the sad dodgers and dodger fans.
for a split second so fleeting i hardly believe it happened, i had a sense of regret about getting so much pleasure from seeing the dejection on the faces of the dodgers as they were eliminated from the playoffs. then i laughed it off. laughed and pointed at the tv. and mocked.
for a split second so fleeting i hardly believe it happened, i had a sense of regret about getting so much pleasure from seeing the dejection on the faces of the dodgers as they were eliminated from the playoffs. then i laughed it off. laughed and pointed at the tv. and mocked.
Monday, October 19, 2009
simpler times
he was sprawled out on the sidewalk like a bug having met a windshield on I-5. prone on his back, limbs stretched out like a shoddy compass. his face looked like a pile of dark putty being pulled towards the cement by some particularly strong pocket of gravity. i dont normally notice homeless people anymore due to sheer volume, but this man looked so bizarrely peaceful. surely drunk as a sailor having just discovered simpler times and tripping off god knows what else, he might not be the wisest correlation to draw, but on an aimless stroll through downtown on a warm night, he was the perfect hyperbole for the sanguine last week.
taking the Centurion out for a spin around town when the town is in cubicles; it's kind of embarrassing, the weird smirk i cant help but get when i first get a good pedal going. the first few eye contacts with strangers probably merit explanation. "no, friend," i'd say. "i'm not imagining you without pants. i'm just a free man out for a roll on his wheels on a sunny weekday afternoon. i also might have a strange susceptibility to endorphins."
everything is better and new, having decided my daily employment commitment perhaps wasnt the best for me at this time. the future is brighter, centurion rides more rejuvenating, bums more peaceful. hell, even excruciating, demoralizing bottom of the 9th playoff losses for the dodgers are more satisfying (haha suckers! suck it la!)
i now believe it's incredibly healthy for personal welfare and integrity to quit when the quitting's good. i don't recall exactly how it went down, so my memory may be a bit dodgy. i do remember a boss who looks like a Bro'd-Out Lumbergh (from Office Space) Sporting Hair in Thick Gel - BULSHITG, for short - calling me into his office one optimistic morning.
+ 
bulshitg: have a seat. how you feelin?
me: thanks. not so hot actually. i've been fighting off some kind of co-
bulshitg: that's great. so listen, we're doing some realigning of accounts here and we're going to be giving all of your clients to someone else and you'll be sitting at a desk all day calling car dealers that are practically out of market and want nothing to do with us.
me: ...
bulshitg: ...
me: what?
bulshitg: we think there's some tremendous opportunity there.
me: ... so you're taking my clients who know me even though i've grown revenue, created a revenue-generating magazine, interviewed tim gunn, and was sales person of the year last year?
bulshitg: we think they just need to be called
me: what? the car dealers? why is this happening?
bulshitg: i don't think you should be asking why. i think you should be thinking that the decision was made that you should have a job. see, we're doing some realign- blegght
me: what was that?
bulshitg: sorry, must be the babies i ate for lunch
me: what?
bulshitg: what?
me: ...
bulshitg: we're doing some realigning. did you say tim gunn?
me: is this because i tried to raise workplace morale by making light of your "sales call roleplay" with me in front of the whole staff the other day?
bulshitg: losersayswhat?
i filed for my resignation shortly thereafter, or that's how my memory serves me. daily bike rides and mid-afternoon history channel specials without working is obviously not sustainable, nor do i want it to be. but for now i might take a lead from the bum and head to the park tomorrow around 10am with a simpler times and pass out because, well, i can. and every once in a while it's good to do... the simpler things!
taking the Centurion out for a spin around town when the town is in cubicles; it's kind of embarrassing, the weird smirk i cant help but get when i first get a good pedal going. the first few eye contacts with strangers probably merit explanation. "no, friend," i'd say. "i'm not imagining you without pants. i'm just a free man out for a roll on his wheels on a sunny weekday afternoon. i also might have a strange susceptibility to endorphins."
everything is better and new, having decided my daily employment commitment perhaps wasnt the best for me at this time. the future is brighter, centurion rides more rejuvenating, bums more peaceful. hell, even excruciating, demoralizing bottom of the 9th playoff losses for the dodgers are more satisfying (haha suckers! suck it la!)
i now believe it's incredibly healthy for personal welfare and integrity to quit when the quitting's good. i don't recall exactly how it went down, so my memory may be a bit dodgy. i do remember a boss who looks like a Bro'd-Out Lumbergh (from Office Space) Sporting Hair in Thick Gel - BULSHITG, for short - calling me into his office one optimistic morning.
+ 
bulshitg: have a seat. how you feelin?
me: thanks. not so hot actually. i've been fighting off some kind of co-
bulshitg: that's great. so listen, we're doing some realigning of accounts here and we're going to be giving all of your clients to someone else and you'll be sitting at a desk all day calling car dealers that are practically out of market and want nothing to do with us.
me: ...
bulshitg: ...
me: what?
bulshitg: we think there's some tremendous opportunity there.
me: ... so you're taking my clients who know me even though i've grown revenue, created a revenue-generating magazine, interviewed tim gunn, and was sales person of the year last year?
bulshitg: we think they just need to be called
me: what? the car dealers? why is this happening?
bulshitg: i don't think you should be asking why. i think you should be thinking that the decision was made that you should have a job. see, we're doing some realign- blegght
me: what was that?
bulshitg: sorry, must be the babies i ate for lunch
me: what?
bulshitg: what?
me: ...
bulshitg: we're doing some realigning. did you say tim gunn?
me: is this because i tried to raise workplace morale by making light of your "sales call roleplay" with me in front of the whole staff the other day?
bulshitg: losersayswhat?
i filed for my resignation shortly thereafter, or that's how my memory serves me. daily bike rides and mid-afternoon history channel specials without working is obviously not sustainable, nor do i want it to be. but for now i might take a lead from the bum and head to the park tomorrow around 10am with a simpler times and pass out because, well, i can. and every once in a while it's good to do... the simpler things!
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