Your Eagle is Due Back Now, Please

According to our records, you checked the bald eagle out of the national library of symbols for use in your... let's see what he have here... oh right, "campaign to stop the America-hating, nobama hussein-loving socialists from taking over my body". According to the ticker, these very America-haters have indeed succeeded in taking over your body and will do god knows what with it. In the meantime, we will need you to return the eagle. We also have you down as having checked out "image of American flag fiercely fluttering in the wind", also due back.

We thank you for using the national library, proudly loaning these symbols out to the worked up, misinformed masses for the past 14 years. Frankly, bravo on the execution of weaving these two images into countless vehement, albeit contradictory and endearingly ignorant posters, pickets and trucker hats. While we're on endearingly ignorant, someone here believes they saw you smuggle out a "colonial patriot, adult XXL" costume, complete with tri-corner hat - also due back. The "I (heart) Teabaggers" bumper sticker is not ours and is yours to keep.

We've had a hell of a time tracking you down, seeing as how you signed for these items under a "Joe R. McCarthy", who we've found has been deceased for over 50 years. After doing some cross-checking, we also can't seem to find our painfully witty image of President Obama with a Stalin mustache - a fold-up poster included in the book Socialism for Dummies, and Why You're Already Embracing it in Your Everyday American Lives, 5th ed.

One more thing: as you are well aware, we here have quite a pleasant working relationship with God. He called and asked that when we reach you, we relay that he's considering filing a cease and desist on using his brand. Apparently you've been grossly misinterpreting his son? Just don't mention him at all, I think is what he was getting at, since he actually voted for the evil body snatchers. I know, crazy huh?

Anyway, we see here that you've already requested to check these items out again for a... "Keep your Stalin Hands off my Tax Dollars and the Financial CEOs Spending Them" campaign? I'll go ahead and get our creative department started on an Obama/Mr Monopoly caricature.

sweeeeet

mapping democracy

or that's the jist, i guess. still a pretty interesting idea, even if/when it fails miserably

an about-face... book

i hate facebook. i know, i know - just shut up. i know i'm on it. signing up was sort of like going streaking through downtown at 3pm on a Tuesday - it seemed like a good enough idea after a few drinks, but then you realize that you're standing on the corner of 3rd and market with your tommy johnsons right there for the world to see. what are you supposed to do, break down crying and fumble around for a few sf weeklies to drape around your trembling body, sloppily explaining to passersby through tears and spittle that you're not supposed to be there? no, you stand there like it's perfectly normal until people forget that you're there at all - which is exactly what i did. i pretended like i was not standing on the corner of "friend me st" and "i forgot that i knew you even for a moment in my life blvd".

six degrees of separation being forced and crammed down to one or two has its occasional benefits though, apparently. the father-in-law of jean's cousin has been missing in portland since sunday. having met the man only once, i know him really only through hanging out with his son several times and that's been enough to know he's a really remarkable man. it remains to be seen if and when he will be located, but there is currently an army of thousands in the northwest aware of his disappearance, due in large part to the viral spread on fb. the group established to raise awareness swelled to well over 400 people within a day and that kind of movement would have been incredibly difficult otherwise.

in the end, the family will know the effort to find their dad has been shared by many, many people.

Greatest show (and collective naiveness) on earth!

Sometimes the natural order of things makes a point better than any words could

already bought my ticket

A Trailer for Every Academy Award Winning Movie Ever -- powered by Cracked.com

answer: the poor man's hasselhoff

who is alex trebek?
i could stop at this picture alone. does anyone know why he ever posed topless, or why he looks like he knows a very perverted secret? i don't, and that's points right off the bat.
others would say his allure was shaved away with his "what is a mustache?" no, trebek's real genius lies in his unique ability to be a complete and utter asshole on national tv and be garnered with adoration for it. nightly, he treats jeopardy's contestants like tipsy sorority girls that wandered into the national spelling bee. he doesn't simply note incorrect answers, he takes explicit time to demoralize the contestant and most likely throw in a jab ("no. we were looking for giorgio abetti. not johannes kepler. johannes kepler would be 16th century. we're looking for nineteenth century astronomers...?") the inflection of a question at the end of his jab should not be underestimated; it is the quintessential prick move. he then leaves a second or two for the effect to settle in - the effect of some pat sayjack who supposedly knows every fact about everything and if you don't, well, what the fuck are you doing on my game show? also, don't even think about not making it a true daily double... "$500 only, huh? $1,200 would put you in the lead, but $500 it is..."

also: what?