Code red at the Chron

Announced mass layoffs in the coming days or they put the Chronnie up for sale or close shop. Yowza mommas. Anyone connected in the, uh, employment world?

"I thought you were tall"

I ignored two people this morning. Plain and simple, eye contact made, no question about it, ignored them. The guy had it coming to him for a while. The woman I'd never really seen before and I guess I feel a tinge of guilt, but it is almost instantly replaced with a self-gratifying pat of my back for putting my foot down.

He looks like a mouse who really likes plaid shirts. The shirts are to distract from his sunken eyes. And his comb over is to distract from the shirts. He manages some near-meaningless tracking system that tracks near-meaningless figures and numbers for absolutely worthless reports. Or something like that. Apparently, the tracking system notates everyone by their first initial and last name, and Mousy decides it's clever to constantly refer to me by my tracking moniker "t-korch". But not just that: he says it like he just got back from the dentist and they left half the cotton balls in his mouth- all abbreviated and halting. Dry, cottony. Shit, it's annoying. He tries to pull this on me today for the 86th time (with the same smirk, as if he's graciously fulfilling part of my daily routine) and I just look at him and keep walking. Not so much as an eyebrow raise. I'm not that much of an ass, I don't think. If he reverted to "hey", "hi", or "monday again, am i right?", I'd fake the courtesies. But enough is enough. And drink some water, cotton mouth.

The woman was wide enough to plug the hallway. And she did, practically blocking my pace.

"How tall are you?" she said in a voice so southern it had to be forced
..... *blank eye contact*
"How tall are you? Like six...."
"About six four."
"Ahhhhhh see I was thinking like six four, six five."
....."yea. six four."
"see, i thought you were tall!"

this is where the ignoring comes in. i think about giving her a feigned quizzical expression to let her right herself but grow impatient and turn and walk away.

i'm not this way to people i know. at least i hope i'm not.

Sucker!

So I realize this probably isn't funny unless you witnessed it, but you should've. I would've taken a picture, but it happened too fast. And I didn't have a camera.

Pulling in to the parking structure entrance to grab my parking stub, this hot shot in a three piece suit, greasy hair and a mustache (he may have had a pocket watch, too) stops mid-stride, having just seen the car in front of me drive through the raised mechanical arm, and gets a brilliant idea (presumably, "hey, screw the door, my bad ass is gonna cut through there").

There's a moment when he tries to walk in front of my car, but makes some grand, sarcastic jackass gesture for me to go first. Well, yea, it's a driveway, numbnuts. He stands behind my car while I take the stub and the arm raises. He starts swaggering in behind me, Mr Three Piece cuttin' the corners, when WHAM! The arm drops like 10 lbs of reality right on his head and levels him.

I don't know if he was ok, I presume he was. He eventually reappeared in my rearview mirror, spinning around to somehow play it off as intentional and see who watched. No one did. Except me, hackling like an 80 year old chain smoker. Sucker.

5 packs a day

That's what my voice sounds like. I woke up this morning, and this cold of mine was standing next to my bed with a bat, which it slammed on my face to knock me out before attaching steel wool to the end and shoving it down my throat. Sorry, that's just what it did.

The result is that all day I've sounded like a cross between a chain smoker, the pimply high school nerd voice, and an 80 year old woman trying to hit on you at the bar.

Office morning wit

Feeling overwhelmed? Insert any of the one-line gems below when greeting coworkers on any morning following a three-day weekend. Delivery is key, so be sure to say these zingers as if it is fresh material, maybe cooked up on the fly or on the drive in to the office (a half-cocked smirk usually is a good fit). However, once you find a comfortable one-liner, it has been found that it's best to stick with it in all applicable (and non-applicable) situations going forward. Be sure to maintain the smirk on each delivery and maintain eye contact to force a response:

"Feels like it was just Friday, right?"
"Feels like Monday, am I right?"
"It's only Tuesday, huh?"
"At least it's Tuesday, huh?"
"Happy Monday!"
"We could use another one of those, huh?"
"Is it Friday yet?"
"When's the next one? Am I right?"
"Whoa - sure you only took three days?"
"Whoa - looks like you had quite the three-dayer"
"Whoa - need another three days?"
"It wasn't long enough" (also works as a good lead-in to a "that's what she said" if this is too prevalent in the office)

and this one, overheard this morning by the office Uber-flamboyant. Not recommended:
"I was trying to loosen my phlegm all weekend. I had way too much mucus to deal with; if you have too much mucus, definitely use zicam. Uh! I was on the couch ALL weekend and my nose was like a faucet! between the mucus and my nose, ugh! it was just SO thick. i'm still backed up and trying to cough it up!"

'Sittin the nephs

Sup.















Sam rectifying my cowlick.

Arco. Downtown Oakland, 12:08 pm

*45 cent Arco ripoff fee authorized. Turn corner back to car*
"Whoa!"
*Man with beanie pulled down over one (infected?) eye leaning against car by gas tank. Looks like he just woke up in a pile of crap. Smells like he also ate it for breakfast*
"[Unintelligible]... be workin."
"Ah.... k. Sorry?" *who knows what grade gas i select, just pump*
"[Unintelligible]... you be workin."
"Oh. Yes. I'm working."
*safely assuming that doesn't make two of us. intense staring while we pass 1 gallon*
"You lawyer?"
"Ha... nope. Not a lawyer."
*i think he takes a short standing nap for the next 20 seconds. or he has an "accident"*
"[unintelligible]... teacher. you a teacher then."
*homeless flattery is still flattery*
"Nope."
*silence. 5 gallons... wtf causes arco pumps to go so slow?*
"sales. you in sales."
"you got it."
...
"give me some change."
"nope."
*7 gallons?! wtf!*
"drrbbbbil nssshhhh. just give me some."
"nope. sorry."
"i know you got some. just give me some."
"nope."
*ok. we'll go with 8 gallons today. close up the tank."
"let me help with that."
"no its alright thanks."
*i swear we momentarily hold hands while he tries to wrestle the nozzle away and put it back on the pump*
"just some change."
"nope."
"you a teacher?"
*what? again? getting back in the car while he starts to shuffle forward.*
"nope, not a teacher."
*pulling away while he continues to insist i give him money*
"change! give me some!"
*in the rear view mirror, he's either planning on breaking my window for not giving him money or he's having a horrible second "accident" while he chases after the car*

Ah. Oakland. Always dependable.

Oxymoron-fest '96

"We're still focused on the fun... we're just removing the alcohol."



And the floats. and the costumes. and the knocking back cheap beer at 8 am, 8:02, 8:10, 8:26, 8:50 and hourly thereon. and the passing out in the park at 11 am. and the headache at 11 30 am. and the Popeye's value bucket at noon. and the hilarious senior nudity. A dark day in sf, to be sure. I guess it's true that my stomach probably shouldnt hurt from how hard i laughed at how cold some of the naked old men were that ran by. seriously though, how funny are naked old people walking by as if they're just getting some air? just out for a walk. maybe grabbing a coffee later. just airing out the... floppiness.

I need a bat

Cheerio

Waiting for stimulation

The $9.7 trillion in [bank bailout and stimulus] pledges would be enough to send a $1,430 check to every man, woman and child alive in the world. It’s 13 times what the U.S. has spent so far on wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, according to Congressional Budget Office data, and is almost enough to pay off every home mortgage loan in the U.S., calculated at $10.5 trillion by the Federal Reserve.

I guess you can't be reminded enough of the complete and total cluster fuck our economy/society/world finds itself in these days. Watched Barry's conference on the stimulus today, and apparently one could argue that - what the? - infrastructure and research into sustainable tech were deviously snuck into the plan?! Motherf- and what's this? "A great deal of uncertainty" between the numbers 3 million and 4 million? That slimy Chicago-style politician can't even give an exact number (try 3,213,006 on for size, Hussein) of how many jobs his "plan" will create and if he did he'd be lying.

Come on AP, even someone rather optimistic of the plan could come up with a better criticism than that half-assed, wanna-be investigative "FACT CHECK". Sean Hannity himself could do a more adequate assessment. Ouch.

Anyway, it's even more annoying that we're having to waste time on this plan in the first place and that most of the dults responsible won't be held, well, responsible. Most of the bankers around the world who approved millions in loans to those who shouldn't be trusted with the loose change behind the fridge will get off without penalty - as will those who thought they were entitled to all of that loaned money in the first place? Bah! At least in the meantime, the rest of us relatively responsible adults get cheap cars and flights ($325 round trip to Dublin?). Anybody with a decent credit score (aka Grown-up, Responsibility Rating) when this is all over with should get our cut of that $1,430 check as a pat on the back for having common sense and not dooming capitalism.

sales vomiting

Sales contests at large(ish) businesses bring out the most vomitous faces of humanity. Things that you might be disgusted by most about someone's personality morph into some horrific cult-following that both laughs heartily at common sense as if it's out of style and turns normal, adult behavior into the equivalent of eating sales graham crackers laced with morale crack.

"Eat them! Eat your fucking graham crackers or you're fired!!"

If it weren't for sales contests induced by panic, I don't think you'd ever see a half dozen adults pretending to be football players all to force a poorly-hatched and overused sports analogy into making the least amount of sense. "Oh! Scoring a goal could mean a SALE!"

You also wouldn't see otherwise entirely insignificant performances praised with the gusto and feigned astonishment you might reserve for hearing someone recite the 50 state capitals backward. "Wow! You did all that by yourself?! Game on. It's game on! One point on the board!" Who cares that we lost money in the process of sending 16 emails blasts congratulating this "touchdown". Or field goal? Whatever. Speaking of vomiting, these graham crackers are coming up fast, and I think I hear them fumbling around with the plastic wrapper trying to open another pack...

Also, this is funny.

turn. them. off.

it hasn't rained for twenty freaking minutes. the last annoying remnant drops from the roof have long since rolled down the windshield. why the hell are your wipers still going full speed?! and why are there so many of you?

What?

Just lounging around in Paris. Yes, in fact, that is the Eiffel Tower.

Here I am reclining in Barcelona. As you can see by the tree in the background, it was quite cold.
I was ready for a break walking around Big Ben too, but it was pretty muddy.

The traffic policemen

The "Korean Cultural Centre UK", conveniently located on one of London's main tourist drags, presumably for Korean tourists and the weirdos completely and totally obsessed with all things Korean. Like the pasty white guy who greeted me at the door (yes I went in), who looked like the guy in the bathroom at the beginning of Sixth Sense - you know who I'm talking about.

I asked about these disturbing mannequins they had standing around, staring off out the windows and directly at you as you walked in.

"Ah yes, they are policemen."
....."Oh. Do they... represent something?"
"They are traffic policemen."
She said, as if that changed everything. Then she walked away.

"whew"

Rounding out the top things you like to see or hear while flying through a blizzard:
"Whew! After 30 years of service, I haven't seen anything like that." - Captain Bill, about 45 minutes after takeoff.
Whew? As in, "hey, look - we made it!"?

"You may want to use the restrooms in the terminal as the lavatories will be out of service above 18,000 feet" - gate attendant before boarding

And our friends that apparently should've been one of the 800 flights canceled:

purpose of my visit

the snow flakes have mated now. larger, evil monsters gliding down. with wings.

ive realized that i prefer the international response when asked at the check points for my purpose of visit. no more vacation or even holiday. 'pleasure'. it takes all of my concentration to not give a subtle eyebrow raise when saying it.

not warm

air so cold in london it hurts and i'd cry if my face wasnt frozen solid. apparently im trying to fly out of heathrow during their worst snow storm in 20 years. so far san francisco is one of the last flights that reads 'please wait' instead of cancelled. id put up the picture i took of the tail of the plane that apparently couldnt stay on the runway, but thatd be bad for my morale.

American girls

are annoying as hell. Not in general of course, but they did damage to my newfound favorite transportational experience: the Eurostar (which, as it turns out, is freaking awesome. For that hour and a half, I might as well be a physics professor galivanting around Europe, having to make a quick stopover for a lecture in London. I may be able to squeeze in a second lecture tomorrow, but I don't know, I'm a professor with a busy European schedule to keep. It's that cool).

Anyway, I heard them say something about me clearly within earshot as I went for my seat and they played whatever dimwit card game they could manage, assuming I was French and couldn't understand them. Though I took that as a double-compliment, it was the first in an hour-long display of stereotypical American twits in top form, giggling and speaking at the top of their voices for nearly the whole trip... "oh my god I KNOW!.... hehehe.... Stacie you're so full of it!..... I did NOT leave my hand there last night! Nuh-uh did NOT.... so I totally said 'that's how it's like in American bars! HEHEHEHEHEHE!"
The rest of the car was nearly silent compared to them and the occasional mocking of the various accents they heard during their little girlfriend vacation. I exchanged a few glances with my cabinmates, letting me know I was with them on this one.
I don't consider myself a pinnacle of courteous behavior, but I do go out of my way to adjust the ipod volume, temper my finger/foot percussion, and mind my personal space, which is no easy task for someone 8 feet tall. But while making fun of other people is all fine and good in private or, say, the internet, it's poor form on the Eurostar. Poor, stupid, blonde twit form.
An hour and a half is a long time to stew, so I begain imagining that they all went out last night to be hit on by European guys ("cause they LOVE American girls hehehe!" they probly said), then Stacie had too many drinks and puked on the side walk. I also imagined getting up and dramatically sweeping all of their cards onto the floor before telling them to shut their nit wit mouths. I'd be praised and patted on the back by my Eurostar seatmates for being the good American.
I've never wished for a train I was riding on to derail. Not before today.